Most of the time, I find it hard to know if I'm doing something truly for myself or for some ulterior reason unknown to me. Is monogamy what will make me happy, or is it just what I've been raised to believe and pursue? Conversely, will pursuing my dreams without baggage (a "trail of ducks" as a man once said) lead to happiness, or will I find myself isolated? Does one have to fail at one to achieve the other?
Maybe it isn't universal, but maybe I need to minimize one to achieve the other. Different creative minds thrive on different circumstances. Maybe I need to use film to brace myself against unfamiliar or unsavory circumstances. Why, then, did I not make it happen in Los Angeles, a town I have so many conflicts with? The hum of the city is like a porch light, attracting moths from all around the world, who feel they deserve time in it's glow. I can't be one of the many special moths here. It breeds an unhealthy cynicism and competitiveness in me. It's not good for my soul.
So best case scenario - I move to a new place, one lacking in moths. I establish roots and quickly dive into a new life as a director. I hustle. I make connections to local potential and together we make things. Then, as I've found my voice and am using it full-throated, I find that not enough people are hearing it. I then spread out, calling out to more people. I need to rebuild my foundation first though. I can no longer stand on stilts and pretend to be stable. I need to dig my heels into the dirt.
At 27 years old, it's a bit of an existential terror to think of restarting. But if I don't do it now, I either continue on without assuredness or wait to rebuild later in life. Now is, perhaps unfortunately, as good a time as any.